Having friends on the autistic spectrum
I had wanted to write about this for some time but was always too caught up with other things to write about or had to do other things in my life yet the thoughts stayed. What I am going to be writing about today is about my experiences of having friends who like me are on the autistic spectrum and the struggles that come with being friends with them.
I have noticed that from all the online articles, books and documentaries on the autism spectrum I have noticed there seem to be very little spotlight about an individual on the autistic spectrum's interactions with another on the autistic spectrum like themselves or slightly different?
We as a society seem to speak more of the interactions between non autistics and autistics but rarely do we ever talk about the interactions between one autistic and another autistic?
These spotlights of the autistic spectrum always seem to make out that there is only one person in all the world with Aspergers or autism but in reality there are many many people like me and the friends I have or had who are on the spectrum.
First off the main reason I am even friends with mainly and only people on the autistic spectrum whose cognitive ability seems to vary from my level to below and a few above me by a few points is that my history of interactions with non autistic people hasn't exactly been the best if you call my best getting beat up or being called names a lot over the years in school as I tried to socialize with non autistics only to get beaten up or made fun of by these people as I didn't understand their way of thinking vs my own?
So for me to try to avoid getting beat or yelled at by another neural typical I decided years ago to seek out friends who weren't neural typical as I viewed neural typicals as primitive and violent in the way they treated me in school and as a child growing up.
I my logic behind this decision when I first began this often times desperate search for friends was that maybe since these other kids were on the autistic spectrum like I was we would have an instant kinship and reliability to one another and my long needed feeling of acceptance could be met?
I thought maybe I could find instant life long friends and even romances like with how mutants in the X-Men did with their own kind in the comics or the Jedi did with other force users in Star Wars?
........I was completely and utterly wrong time and time again whenever I tried to make friends with other autistic spectrum people who like neural typicals let me down time and time again yet I being an idiot just never learn from my mistakes and continue to befriend these fellow autistic spectrum people having them bite my hand rather take it in friendship.
I have had autistic spectrum friends whom took advantage of me like getting rides home from my dad whenever we went out, Christmas gifts from me yet they never could give a fucking Christmas gift back to me and I would always have to resort to asking them to give me a Christmas gift back as they owed me for how I helped them in the past.
I had to even deal with being physically touched in a form of being violent
pounced in the arm or grabbed then thrown constantly a bunch of times by a few of these autistic spectrum friends of mine who don't understand anything about my personal space and that I hate being touched and I would always tell them not to touch me over and over again yet they keep doing it over and over again regardless?
I remember I tried to be friends with this one guy who had either Aspergers, high functioning autism or ADHD named Toby at this autistic spectrum youth social club I used to attend and this a$$hat tried to poke me in the eyes with his sharp knife like fingers and when I reacted by telling him not to do it he would respond "You're wearing glasses I can't poke your eyes out."
I hated this a$$hole, he did it so much one day I remembered that I had enough and I decided to give him a taste of his own medicine when I tried to flip his stupid cap off his head but by accident I poked Toby in the eye for real which he tried to do to me so often but failed as I wore glasses which kept that from happening.
I remember he was rubbing his eyes and angrily demanded I apologize to him for poking him in the eye when he kept doing it to me and never once apologized to me?
I refused then one of the co-ordinators saw my argument with Toby and took his side threatening me that if I didn't apologize to Toby I would be kicked out of the social group?
I at the time needed to socialize with other people at this autistic spectrum social club though I had problems with Toby I was kind of on good terms with other people there?
So I kicked myself for what I was about to do and apologized to that a$$ht Toby, who in my opinion didn't deserve an apology from me for me poking him in the eye by accident when I wanted to flip his hat off. Toby deserved to be poked in the eye as he was no good to me after I tried to be friends with him only for him to try to return that friendship with bullying.
The apology was useless in the end as I was eventually kicked out of the autistic social group anyways on an unrelated later conflict with Toby and this other guy which I had no hand in but the co-ordinators were so on Toby's side they used the conflict between him and this other guy claiming I masterminded the whole thing just to kick me out as they didn't like me for not liking their precious Toby while the other members there were forced to like this prick faced a$$hat in form of fascism?
That was only one of the many bad experiences I had trying to be friends with other people on the autistic spectrum.
Another was back in 2009 when I had attended this autistic spectrum Highschool to College orientation thing this was years before out the stuff with Toby.
I had meet three other Aspies there about my age, we started off great, I thought they would become the life long friends I needed.........I was wrong.
I ended up having one of them a guy named Calvin pull a knife on me in the middle of a restaurant during his birthday when I was just joking with him about something but he took it the wrong way thinking I was insulting him and just took a very sharp knife out of some loathe of bread at the table and waved it in my face threatening me like he was some Mafia don after insulting him?
I stupidly forgave this a$$hat afterward as I was so desperate for friends having either him along with the other two or no one.
I didn't want to be alone so I told him not to do it again and continually brought it up in the future and he said he would improve himself yet failed to do time and time again.
Calvin liked to touch me by doing things like punching me or grabbing me and I hated it, I told him I didn't like touching but he kept at it and this would eventually lead to future conflicts in which I was so tired of him I started talking bad about Calvin behind his back with another friend who I had at the time who was on better terms with Calvin than I was.
Eventually I managed to f#k
things up with this other friend, along with Calvin which drove a wedge between me and the other friends in the group as people started to grow to hate me as I was just letting out even more of my dislike and hate of them for their shortcomings due to their autistic spectrum conditions versus mine.
I hated these three autistic spectrum friends I had, as I hate how truly self centred they were like asking for rides from me which I gave them and they would never do the same for me?
Or the worser thing in that I gave each three of them back in Christmas 2009 presents and they never even gave me one present back that I had to twist Calvin's arm to tell him after all the crap he did to me from invading my personal space to bossing me around like I was his personal slave boy when at my house that he owed me a gift as repayment for the shit he did. He agreed but in the end even with the present in hand things fell apart for me and them.
I was just as self centred and maybe even a bit more self centred in someways than these three formers friends of mine were as I felt my friends owed me a favour or two as I was always there for them but they never bothered to give me the same respect which proper friends would've done.
I should've figured that I being so self centred and selfish in my own life that these other kids with Aspergers or whatever were just like me and would lack just as much empathy or Human compassion as I did.
I never learned and years to come so many similar situations like with Toby would happen but before that but after Calvin and the other 2 Aspie friends, I was in college in 2010 to 2011 in a pre animation course, like all my previous school years I was very unpopular guy there.......no one wanted to be my friend so I became friends with other Aspies yet again as they were the only one's who wanted to or at least showed interest in talking to me.
So I became friends with these two other Aspies one named Julian and another named Katie.
Julian had anger issues, was very self centred, liked to boss others around me included, took whatever he wanted whenever he wanted never a please or a thank you.
Yours truly stuck with this ogre of a friend as everyone else at my college course was an SJW and found me either offensive or annoying.
So I stuck with Julian as he was only choice for a friend and faced his attempt at trying strangling by me the ogre which I was lucky to kick him off or somehow I got him to get off of me.
I like before forgave him like I did with Calvin but I felt a surge of anger bottled up as this bastard tried to kill me, he apologized a little bit yet I was so desperate for friends I stuck with this guy to avoid being without friends and left to the SJW wolves on my own in college.
Katie was the other Aspie I stuck with.......she was an SJW also but one willing to talk to me compared to the others she like Julian had Aspergers.
She was everything exactly like Julian from the anger issues, self centerness, insanity, invading of personal space and was even overweight just like Julian was.
You could almost say Katie was Julian's sister or what Julian looked like after his sex change? In reality they weren't related and in fact didn't really like one another but we're both frenemies with me as I was desperate for a friend and they showed interest.
So I put up with Katie's SJW beliefs which she tried to shove down my throat whenever we talked. She even went as far as interrupting me when I was talking about my belief in God when I said God was a He she cut in screaming at me to my face that God was a She.
I am not going to dismissing the possibility that God could be female for those who believe God is a female but when I am talking about God my interpretation of God no one should have a right to rudely cut me off in mid sentence and tell me otherwise as that is my right to believe what I believe as long as what I believed in didn't hurt anyone or anything else.
I think anyone who has the nerve to feel that they have a right to tell other people that their interpretation of God is wrong as it is not like their interpretation of God is a massive a$$hole just like what Katie was to me trying to correct my belief in what God's gender was.
I wouldn't ever tell her up to her face that God was a male and not a female why couldn't she extend the same courtesy to me?
Yet I stayed sort of friends with Katie all throughout college just like I did with Julian dismissing them for their actions as I tried to pity them as they were slightly cognitively lower than I was but on the inside over the years I remember the two and I really began to hate everything about them but at the time I knew them I stayed friends with them out of necessity for friendship in college to fight off loneness.
Fast Forward to now I have friends still on the autistic spectrum, a friend named Barry who is autistic that has the mind of a 10 year old very self centred, selfish always wants you to do whatever he wants never once asking what you want to do, and another friend named Sanjay who has Aspergers like I do at about the same level as I but doesn't understand personal space, tries to fix other people's problems yet never looks at his own problems and lacks social understanding like not understanding that when in a movie theatre he should keep his shoes and socks on not take them off until he just is barefoot in a public theatre.
I struggle with social understanding much like them, I can be self centred like they are but even I understand a bit of social understanding here and there when knowing what to do and what not to do in public.
My friend Barry once while at Comic Con got scared of a Jar Jar Binks figure I was holding so he grabbed a random girl he never even knew and used her as a Human shield to protect himself from the toy of Jar Jar. I am not making this up and really wish I did cause when hanging out with Barry the weirdness which seems drip out like a runny tap.
I swear these are just a few things I had to deal with when dealing with friends on the autistic spectrum I had over the years.
I have a lot of the same social understanding problems as they do yet I sort of understand a bit more than them yet not enough to be social normal like non autistic people to keep me from getting into trouble.
I not autistic enough yet I am not non autistic either?
I can't stand others on the autistic spectrum like me but I can't be accepted by non autistic either as I can't socialize properly like them.
I honestly don't know where to make friends who would be the right fit for me?
If I have this much trouble making friends and keeping them what hope would I have to find a girlfriend than marry her?
I worry I am so bad at socializing and desperate that I might end up in an abusive relationship with a woman one day who might try to stab me in the middle of the night as she might have mental problems just like the freaks I had called and still call friends.
This is one of the main reasons I have yet to date anyone.........the people I encounter either I purposely search for to then hangout with just to punish myself for whatever reason or I am just a magnet for freaks or what not..........is what makes me feel my options for friends and possibly relationships is so limited?
I wish I could just break out of this repeating pattern of getting into friendships with other people on the autistic spectrum with mental problems or just people with mental problems and start having actual good friends who aren't nuts, selfish, rude,crazy,extremist,self centred, don't understand personal space or unable ever to know how to return a favour.
Maybe I am just crazy and deserve all this crap in my life?